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Many families choose to have a family member care for an aging parent. It seems like the "natural" thing to do. But all too often, unspoken assumptions lead to family conflict. For instance, when is caring done "for love"? At what point should a family member get paid for their time? What if they have to cut back on income-earning activities in order to help? A good solution is to prepare a written "caregiver agreement" before the first dollar is paid.

As Bette Davis said, "Old age is no place for sissies." Aging often brings loss and change. Usually people can adjust. But sometimes the changes can be too much and trigger depression. (See last month's article about the signs of depression.) Left untreated, depression in older adults can lead to other serious problems.

For most family caregivers, frustration and guilt are common, as is anxiety. These feelings are normal and reasonable under the circumstances. And it’s not realistic to eliminate negative emotions. Caring for an ailing family member IS emotionally taxing, especially in the case of memory loss. But you can avoid amplifying a downer mood. According to stress and coping research, you can reduce your distress by concentrating on the present moment, the here and now.

When your family member is in pain, you are suffering too. The "mirror neurons" in our brains are programmed to recognize pain in others. That's good news, in that it arouses compassion and spurs us to action. But it can be bad news, too. When you're highly attuned to a loved one's pain, you're at higher risk of depression and self-neglect. Learn about pain management. Your ability to reduce your relative's experience of pain will help both of you.